This is you

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This is non-poem poem. I don’t know anything about poetry technically. I did in year eleven. I knew all about stanzas and beat and all of that crap. I don’t know about it anymore though. And I rarely write it.

For example, I don’t know if I’m allowed to use a comma. How dumb is that? I am unsure of the layout. I changed it around a lot. Not the words, but the layout and how they are spaced.

I absolutely love poetry though. I love reading it. Some of my favourites are Poe, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, Andrew Marvell, and Maya Angelou.

So, anyway, here is some poetry that I am deeply uncertain about sharing but, whatever, I’m sharing it anyway. It is the internet afterall. There is no end of awful poetry here.┬áIt’ll be one amongst many.

You hold my heart.

Hand down my throat, choking.

You pull it out, view that frantic beating.

You stuff me in the shredder.

I come out as confetti and dance in the air.

You stomp all over me, drive me into the ground.

You tear the eyes from my sockets, poke pinholes through the pupils so no light can get in.

I explode in the dark.

I explode, I explode and still your hands are all over me, in me, tearing me apart.

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When giving up is a good thing

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Day 2
8:46 AM: Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette. Arrr, I am dying. Although it occurs to me I’m not as sick as yesterday (I have a cold). Maybe recovering faster thanks to Not Smoking?
10:02 AM: This. Is. Hard.
10:21 AM: I wish I could fast forward two weeks.
10:26 AM: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
This is so hard.
Jeepers. I just have to remind myself about cancer. I was feeling this awful loss a while ago thinking ‘I can never have another smoke AGAIN. Boo hoo.’ But the thing is, why do I even want one? What’s it do for me? The only reason I feel that way is because I’m addicted. That will go away. Also, then I am slightly less likely, y’know, to freaking DIE. Smoking KILLS. Gotta keep remembering that little fact. Denial is a powerful thing. Imagine if we had as much ability in willpower as we did denial?
10:40 AM: Does quitting actually INCREASE your appetite? It seems to.
6:38 PM: I am impatience personified.

Day 4
7 AM: Day 4! I am so proud. This is my third quit attempt this year. I have been wanting to quit so much, I set it as my new years resolution, but until now my head was not in the game. I had to not want to smoke anymore (wanting to quit and not wanting to smoke are different).
It’s a mix of things that bought me here; Because I’ve been focusing on improving health through exercise, I want to improve the other areas too.
7:15 AM: Here is a list of the side effects I have noticed;
1. Mood swings (especially wanting to cry.)
2. Irritability (very snappy).
3. Increased appetite. I’m not eating out of boredom or to smother a desire for a smoke. I am genuinely hungrier (smoking IS an appetite suppressant.)
4. Unable to sleep.
5. Jittery/twitchy (my hyper level, usually a docile 2 or 3, is now a 9.)
The actual cravings are the easiest part of quitting. The mood swings are the worst.
12:19 PM:I used to smoke, on average, 15 cigarettes a day. Say, it takes 6.5 minutes to smoke one (and that is not including rolling it time) that is 1 hour and 37 minutes smoking took up everyday. Christ. Now maybe I can use that saved time to go for a jog or write.
By the way, that is 682 minutes (11 hours and 36 minutes) a week. Which is 35,464 minutes (591 hours) a year.
Why didn’t I ever think of this before?
10:30 PM: I had four hours sleep last night. I hope I can sleep better tonight. You know, I am noticing all sorts of annoying withdrawal effects. I am so pleased that I am doing this though. It’s amazing how simply not doing something is an activity in itself.

Day 5:
8PM: Earlier today I was smug about how easy this is and now I could cry because I want a smoke so badly. This is ridiculous. I may have screamed at the person who suggested ‘why don’t you just have one.’ Ha. But at least I did not have one and the craving is easing now.

Day Six
11:09 AM: I dreamed of smoking last night.

Day Seven
11:17 AM: Woke up feeling happy with myself. This is the end of the first week!